Narratives…

Living life as we do, we spend our days evaluating and analyzing our experience. It’s the strangest thing. We interact with the world, then we tell ourselves stories about what it means. We really have no way of knowing what someone means, other than asking them, and even then you still my not know. We gather some evident facts and add them to some other facts and form a conclusion. But, in fairness to life and our limited, finite reasoning, we may not have it right. What we have instead is a narrative we tell ourselves and that narrative is heavily influenced by what we think of ourselves; who we think we are. If we feel as if we are the victim, our stories will reflect some behavior or activity that rendered us a victim. We will tell ourselves a narrative that matches our expectation. But, here’s the thing. We have no way to validate our narrative as it simply something we are telling ourselves. It is a story we tell ourself and it is entirely made up. Sadly, these stories we tell ourselves are seldom positive. They don’t serve to help us or build us up. Instead they diminish us as we make ourselves small in our own eyes. We assume a narrative that exists only in our minds. We don’t see life as it is. We see life as we expect life to be and if our expectation is negative, for whatever reason, the narrative, the story, the supposed meaning of things is forever going to be negative. How could it be otherwise? It becomes obvious therefore that it is our job to change the narrative. Not only the things we tell ourselves, but also the stories we have been telling ourselves about other people. Marital conflict, for example, has less to do with what is going on now as it is to do with what has gone on in the past. The stories, the narratives, the meaning we assign to the actions and the words. Instead of mindlessly going down the same road, we have to rid ourselves of the false narratives. Life does not require that we make up meaning. Instead of an annoyed response meaning, “I don’t love you anymore” – maybe the meaning was simply, “I’m tired.” I think most of the time when we gather up enough courage to air our grievances, 60% of our experience was either made up, misinterpreted, or misunderstood. The narrative you have been rehearsing is the problem. There can be no reconciliation in heart until the narrative changes. There can be no real peace and satisfaction inside until the narrative changes. What narratives have you been telling yourself about your life?

There is something to be said for just taking people at face value. No story, no meaning, just an experience. Surely it is better to ask your question than to spend the night mired in your own stories. And, again sadly, the longer you have been telling yourself stories, the harder it is to extricate yourself from them. But, like most of life’s discoveries, you have to be willing to admit that you might not have it right. You may not already know despite your assertions otherwise. This life has a way of getting you to the right conclusion. It is what we think we know already that gets to us. Seems life is best lived with fresh eyes, a fresh perspective. No moment, however similar, is the same, ever. Relationships struggle not necessarily because of what is being said and done as much as it is the meanings we have assigned to the acts, to the words. Couples in conflict, mild or full on war, remain in conflict more on perceived meaning than actual meaning. You can’t drag around this stinky corpse of slights gone past and expect to see new perspective, new ideas, new possibilities. True forgiveness means it doesn’t ever need to come up again. However, dragging about the old narrative is no different than refusing to forgive someone. How can that person be anything to you other than the story you have associated with them? No matter their words, their heartfelt expressions, your narrative, made up and lacking in reality, will take center stage. Thus, it behooves you to change your narrative if your narrative is not the life you want. I’ll say it again. It is incumbent upon you to change the narratives that do not work for your life, your marriage, your happiness. Change the story you have been telling yourself. It’s your story after all.

It seems to take quite a bit of mental work to hold yourself back from telling yourself stories. Some stories originated long ago before you had the capacity to refute them. Some stories are rooted in negative self image. Some stories reflect your world view; how you think life actually works. But the grand point not to miss is this, you are the narrator of the story and you decide which way the story goes. The negative stories you have been telling yourself are probably based on some fear, somewhere. Fear is never far from anything negative in our lives. But fear is and always was an illusion; a false prediction about how things might turn out. And, the stories tend to match our expectations. Change your expectations by seeing life as it is instead of your dark colored version. Learn to live, to exist in the moment that is. Not mired in every past hurt nor bowed under the weight of a difficult future. The past has expired and the future never arrives, only now and now and now. Stop the false story now. Stop assigning meaning now. Stop letting past stories tell current stories now. Live in the moment called now. Don’t guess. Ask. Speak, say, do it for yourself. And, if you must add a narrative, add one that is a story you would like to live. You are the story teller. Tell a story you like. Narratives are not reality. Reality is reality. It is better to accept what is and seek to make it better than to live within the confines of a narrative that always hurts. It is your narrative.

Just some good thoughts…