Relationship Magic…

I write this tonight to all you folks out there in a long term relationship. Disclaimer: Though I have been married for over 40 years now, I in no way always got this right. In fact, more often than not I got it wrong. However, over the years I learned some things about relationships. What I’m going to share with you tonight is not the standard “marriage speak” where you have to focus on communicating more effectively, though good communication always helps. I’m not going to talk about your commitment to one another, though commitment always matters. It’s not even really about being a better husband or a better wife, though all of us could do a little better. I call it relationship magic because it isn’t so much about what you do as it is about what you think. The predecessor to all actions and words spoken is thought. Relationship magic starts with what you think.

Each of us bring ourselves into the marriage, the good, the bad and the ugly. We are two unique people with differing opinions, ideas and even ways of thinking. The goal of marriage is not to meld into the other person. The goal is to be yourself and allow your spouse to be themself. Thinking your partner should be more like yourself is a recipe for disaster. How could they be? All of the unique elements that make you, you make her, her. So you can start by ridding yourself of that notion. Marriage is about two people coming together with one common goal.The question to ask yourself is what do you think about that other person? What images and thoughts are you tenaciously holding onto about the other person? I say tenaciously because you keep wrong attitudes alive by continually rehearsing them. Otherwise they would fade away into nothingness. All people change and all people grow, though some more slowly than others. Thinking that your spouse is the same person they were 20 years ago refutes their own ability to change. I’m sure you can easily recognize how much you have changed over the years. Typically, the errors and blunders of your twenties disappear as you age because you start to learn new things. You begin to see what works and what doesn’t work. None of us are the same person we were when we were twenty. Yet how often does your partner keep you in that box? “You were so irresponsible!”  Newsflash – youth is irresponsible! The problem isn’t necessarily your current behavior, but rather what thoughts your partner is holding onto about your past behavior. And, every behavior that isn’t happening now is a past behavior. Relationship magic can only occur in the moment called now.

God has given us certain principles that will always work for us. Perhaps one of the greatest involves living in the moment. If you can learn to live in the moment without dragging around that giant corpse of the past, you are finally getting somewhere. God says every day is a brand new day wherein we can start fresh. He exhorts us to forget the past. When we carry around the weight of the past, we hurt ourselves. Remembering every mistake we may have made or at times being reminded of our past foolishness only serves to cheat us out of today. It is the same in a marriage. “You always do this or you always say that” is never true. Yet if that is how you insist on thinking, for you it will be true. How could it not be? You haven’t allowed your partner the space or the grace to do it differently. Perhaps you have gone through some hard stuff in the past. Well, thank goodness it’s in the past. But, God’s exhortation is still the same. Let it go. Relationships require forgiveness. You see, if you are so determined to hold your partner in a negative place, he or she cannot change in your sight. What you think is such a huge factor in how the relationship is going to be. In fact, your own thoughts will even drown out the words your spouse is telling you. Instead of hearing what is said, you will only hear what you are thinking. How many couples are stuck in that spin cycle of error? Your spouse may even be someone you would like if you finally heard them with your heart. Remember when you first started dating? You were so kind to that other person and genuinely interested in making them happy. You had no backlog of misinformation and no history of mistakes made. You listened to what they were communicating to you. Then time went by and you stopped listening or else you already concluded where they were going before they went there and drew your own conclusions. Sure, maybe some of that was self-preservation if you got hurt, but a hard heart doesn’t really protect you, it just stops you from all feeling. Relationship magic happens when you open your heart.

Imagine how different your relationship would be if you let today be today with nothing added in. Imagine how much better you could mesh if you lived in the moment and gave your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Yes, familiarity does breed contempt, but only because of what you have been holding onto in your mind. Sometimes I think the best solution is to just let your spouse be who they are, flaws and all. Have a little compassion. They likely had some childhood trauma like you did. They have also had error built into their mind just like you have. Holding onto anger over predictable responses kills communication. It’s not about how familiar you are with their ways, it’s about understanding why they are the way they are. All of us have annoying characteristics. All of us can become rash and emotional. But the magic comes when you seek to understand rather than seeking to be understood as a great man once said. Changing your relationship takes persistence. Just because they always did doesn’t mean they will always do. Yet, if you cannot even allow that potentiality, in your mind they will always do. If you are in a relationship struggle, one or both of you stopped listening. One or both of you are more comfortable with your own familiar misery than in finding something new.  You would be amazed at what you could learn about your spouse if you were actually open to learning. Life is like that. It only becomes a drag when you stop learning. It becomes stagnant and dried up by what you think you already know. But, do you know? None of us are beyond learning something new. Relationship magic happens when you humble yourself to new possibilities.

It is certainly not easy to approach each day with a new, fresh attitude. Yet, that is exactly what God is asking us to do. You cannot undo what you have said or done. Yet, what you have said and done exists only in your mind and in the other person’s mind. They are memories not worth holding onto. They sully and sour the present moment. They quell healthy communication. They pin you down into a trap from which you cannot easily escape. Yet you can escape by changing your mind. Just because you think something does not make it true. Just because you think you know does not mean you actually know. Real love is unconditional. Real love is not a feeling it is a choice and when you choose correctly, love will be there, forgiveness will be there, compassion will be there. There is no perfect person living on this earth today. We are all a combination of many variables. Seeking perfection in your partner is a fool’s game. Living each day in cynical thoughts about your ‘person’ is a blow to your own heart. You are not helping them get better, you are only making yourself sick. Decide today to stop living out that nightmare and make some new dreams. Deep down you both likely want to get it right, so why not get it right? You are probably seeking the exact same thing as your spouse, yet refusing its existence in your life. The relationship magic you so ardently desire is and always will be a function of your thinking. It cannot happen outside of you for it’s something that happens inside of you. God can and will help you fix anything that is broken, but you have to admit what you do not know. You are not in the other person’s mind nor can you ever be. But, you are in your own mind and that is always the starting place. Get you some relationship magic going and see for yourself.

Just some good thoughts…