It Takes Two to Tango!

Relationships are admittedly complicated because of the many variables involved with human beings. Yet, for all of our differences, there seem to be some key principles that, when employed, can bring about a long lasting and satisfying connection. Whether you have been married for a long time, married for a relatively short time or even just considering marriage, there are healthy approaches you can utilize in order to maximize your opportunities for success. Marriage is a big step not to be taken lightly or without adequate thought. But, if managed correctly, can lead to a lifetime of blessings and love. Most importantly, marriage involves two people that unite towards common goals while maintaining their unique individuality. Marriages only work when both parties commit themselves fully, despite ever changing emotional states, personal growth or lack thereof; despite the familiarity that can breed contempt and the general annoyances that often accompany being with the same person day in and day out. After all, it takes two to Tango.

Full disclosure, we got married at a very young age somewhat clueless regarding all that is involved in a marriage. Yet, for all of our ignorance and youthfulness, the one thing we got right was our determination that we were going to see it all the way through no matter what tried repeatedly to get in the way. Marriage isn’t something you try on and maintain as long as all of the feelings remain good. Marriage is what you continue to do when things aren’t always moving in the right direction. It seems so many people get married based upon the Cloud Nine of love, yet don’t know what to do when reality and real life set in. Yet, love and continued love is more a decision than a feeling. Feelings are very important of course and if you string enough bad feelings together, things will get very tough. But, a more honest approach is to evaluate the feelings and figure out what is going on. The couples I observe that have the bad feelings yet power through anyway are not to be commended in that they violate the first rule of marriage, which is to communicate about what you have been feeling. Silence, for the sake of not fighting, is a terrible approach that simply postpones the inevitable. A marriage that has gone silent will not last. When you are fighting you are at least caring enough to bring it up. Silence about things that matter is a resignation that will never be worth it. Whom exactly are you honoring with your silence? Certainly not yourself. As a general rule, a good marriage is one where both parties are honest and remain honest about how they are feeling. If you can’t even bring up certain topics for fear of rejection or retribution, you have allowed yourself to compromise on what is most important to you. Worse, if you cannot be yourself and find yourself forced to play a role, a role that isn’t the real you, brace yourself because you are going to have to play that role for a very long time. Why not be honest, endure the drama of the fight and keep saying what you need to say until something happens. Any rough spots can be smoothed over and any differences can be resolved if you want it, if you both want it. It takes two to Tango, but you can only control how you dance.

There is one grand mistake that people who have been together for some time make and that is this insistence on carrying around the past. Past mistakes, past weaknesses, past ways of behaving are not the determining factor of who you are today. We all need a fresh start. We all need the opportunity to choose differently and we all can, that is unless your other half won’t let you. Insisting that a person will always be the same person they were no matter how much time has passed and the learning associated with that time is foolish to say the least. It cuts off any opportunity for healthy change. We are all growing and learning and changing. But, if we insist on dragging about these wrong ideas about who a person is, denying any possibility for change, forever miring that person in their past, we deny ourselves the beauty of the present. We blind our own eyes to the other person’s growth and refuse to let them be anyone other than the person we have already decided they already are. If you get one thing from reading this, understand that we all change. Think about when you dated and were so interested in what the other person thought and felt. Well, what do they think and feel today? Are you willing to let them be who they are today or do you insist on making them who they were before? If you have been married for any amount of time you know how easy it is to form conclusions about who people are. But, are they? Do you really know? Or, have you tucked that person neatly into a set of conclusions you have drawn unable to see who they are today? I often muse how great a marriage would be if both parties took each other at face value and treated every day as if it was the first day they met. No dead corpse memories of mistakes made. No preformed conclusions about likes and dislikes. No unfair generalizations based entirely upon past behaviors and immaturity. Just today and only today. How much easier would it be to Tango if both parties weren’t insistent on making the first move!

I would be remiss it seems if I didn’t spend some time with folks on the front end of getting married. God bless you and your future plans. But, here is some food for thought. You cannot spend too much time trying to find the perfect person. As a human I can tell you they do not exist. Nor will your person necessarily check all of your boxes. Your boxes are arbitrary and you do not know what you do not know. By far the greatest requirement is whether or not you like that person. At their core, do you really like them? Can you see something inside of them that might need a little flushing out? I’d be more wary of the premade champions. Relationships aren’t about finding the perfect guy or the perfect gal. Relationships are about finding someone that will make you better and love you at the same time. It seems the best advice I could give to people contemplating marriage is to learn who the person is you want to marry. We all have the weird and odd things we have endured in life. We all have our traumas and the things that made us to be a lesser version of ourselves. All of us. Thus, it’s not about judging. It’s about understanding. Understand what your person went through in their life. Understand why they think the way they think and act the way they act. In order to do this you will have to look past your own self at times. No person living is without remedy in this life, provided you are willing to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. This is where a marriage flourishes, when one person has great compassion and empathy for another person and as such is willing to work through the challenges and help complete the other person. Not make them into someone they are not, but rather accept them flaws and all, ever focused on the good that is inherently there. Annoyances will come and go, but they have a better chance of leaving if you will allow it and you don’t allow it when you insist they will always be the same person they once were. You can learn to Tango nicely if you are willing to listen and not always speak.

At the end of the day, marriage is a blessing. It is a commitment you make expecting greater benefits. You don’t always start well, but you can end well. No matter where you are in the continuum, you can greatly impact how it all works out. You do so by allowing your partner to be who they are, the good and the bad. This isn’t hard for you because you know in detail your own good and bad. If love is your motive you cannot go wrong. Why not give each other a fresh start; a new beginning? Why not let go of the past and focus on living today? Sure they didn’t treat you right at times and you didn’t treat them right at times either. So what. Learn what you can learn. Love them today like you just met and embrace the idea that there is so much you do not know. Take time to learn and relearn what you thought you already knew. Chances are they are after the exact same things you are after, but don’t know yet how to get there. You get there by starting fresh absent the past. It takes two to Tango but it’s a beautiful dance when you get it right. Get it right. You owe that to yourself. Stop sitting there steeped in your own bad feelings. Stop being silent about things that matter to you. Say what you need to say and keep saying it until something happens. You cannot Tango if you cannot talk.

Just some good thoughts.